THROUGH A GLASS DARKLY

by Phyllis Owen

CHAPTER  THREE

  The next day Karen woke early from a confused dream.  She had been trying to catch a beautiful bird and each time she almost had it in her hands, it flapped its wings and rocketed skywards.  It had been so frustrating.  Then, with a sinking feeling, she remembered the telephone call the night before.  She sat up in bed, her heart beating furiously.  Wish it had been a dream, she thought sadly.  Matron had been so angry.

  “No more telephone calls for you for a week,” she said, “and if there’s no improvement in your condition, there’ll be no more calls at all.”

  Her parents had left for Kimberley by car soon after booking her into the hospital the previous morning and on their return her mother had rung to find out how she had settled down.

  “Karen, my dear, how has the day been for you?”

  In a fit of exasperation and anger she had blurted out, “I hate you and Dad for leaving me here.  This place is awful.  I’m going to run away and you’ll never find me.”

  Her mother had burst into tears.  Her father had taken the telephone from her and, in a voice shaking with rage, had told Karen to grow up and start considering someone else other than herself for a change.  He had also said that her self-centredness was going to break her mother.  He had then banged the receiver down. It had been so unlike her normally good-natured father.

  Karen cried softly into her pillow.  Everyone hated her.  Daddy must have phoned Matron because she came striding into the ward and made Karen get into bed immediately and told her that she would be watched like a prisoner.  She would not be allowed out of bed for a week and if she wanted to go to the bathroom she would be taken there by one of the junior nurses.

  How humiliating!  How sickening!  Oh, how miserable she was!   She wished with all her heart that she was back on the farm in her own lovely sunny bedroom.

  She lay still, thinking.  It was very early, so early that there was no sound except for the singing of the birds.  Her throat was tight with unhappiness.  She tried to focus her attention on the ward.  It was light and airy.  The long table was the focal point of the ward.  Karen turned to look at a cute little woollen octopus that Lee-Ann had made and was startled to find a pair of blue eyes staring at her.

  “Good morning,  Karen,” Lee-Ann whispered.  “How are you this morning?”

  “All right, thanks,” Karen replied, sullenly.

  “Please try to co-operate, Karen, for your own sake,” Lee-Ann said, looking at her seriously.   “You’ll find the routine here quite enjoyable.”

  Karen looked away in annoyance and was on the point of rebuffing Lee-Ann when she noticed her hands and saw, to her embarrassment, that her fingernails were dirty.   She reddened as she quickly buried them under the quilt and looked self-consciously at Lee-Ann.   “I…I..”she stammered.

  Lee-Ann laughed softly. “Don’t worry about little things like that,” she said, “You can have a good soak in the bath this morning.”

  “But I’m not allowed out of bed for this whole week,” protested Karen.

  “You’ll be allowed to bath,” giggled Lee-Ann.  “My, but you did cause a big fuss last night!  It spoilt our whole evening.  But don’t worry,” she added, when she saw Karen’s distressed face, “We’ve all been through similar troubles so we understand.”

  “Do you mean you’ve all felt the way I do?” Karen asked, surprised.

  “Yes, of course. Anorexia nervosa is a mental disease that consumes your whole being.   You can think of nothing else but yourself and your weight,”  Lee-Ann  said, solemnly.

  “But you are all so well.  You joke and laugh and eat all your meals.  I’m surprised you’re not allowed to go home.”   Karen felt confused.

  “It has taken most of us a few months to get back on our food, but it’s more than eating meals and laughing.  Our therapist is trying to find the cause of our problems.  We may appear to be well but often someone is discharged and it’s not long before she’s back again.  I would not like that to happen to me.  I would love to go home and live a normal life, but the therapist says I’m not quite ready yet.   It’s only in the past week that I’ve begun to enjoy my food and I even look forward to mealtimes, instead of dreading eating in case I put on weight.”   Lee-Ann smiled at Karen.  “You’ll improve if you want to.”

  “But there’s nothing wrong with me,” protested Karen,  “I’m not ill.”

  Lee-Ann smiled knowingly.  “That’s the usual cry of the anorexic but until you accept the fact that you have a problem you’ll never get well.”

  “Hmmmm!” grunted Karen, disbelievingly.

  “Don’t make it more difficult for yourself.  If you improve you’ll receive concessions.  You’ll be allowed out on weekends and for an afternoon of shopping, which is fun.”  Lee-Ann’s eyes were sparkling.  “I’m going shopping this afternoon with my mother.  When you’re allowed out, one day, you can come with us.”

  “That’s kind of you,” said Karen, impressed by Lee-Ann’s generosity.

  Presently the other girls awoke and there was a general rush to the bathroom.  Rose McMurry, the ward sister, walked in followed by a junior nurse.

  “Good morning, girls,” Sister McMurray said.

  There was a chorus of greetings in reply.

  “Get this bed ready, Nurse,” said Sister McMurray, “A new patient will be coming in later this morning.”

  “Yes, Sister,” replied the nurse.

  “When you’ve finished, take Karen to the bathroom and wait for her.”

  “Yes, Sister,” the junior nurse repeated in a monotone.

  Karen’s face reddened with humiliation.  Was it her imagination or were the girls staring at her in distaste?

  It was a relief to escape to the bathroom.  As she lay soaking in the warm, soapy water, there was a loud banging on the door.  “You’re not the only one to use the bathroom,” hissed Cheryl through the keyhole.

  Karen jumped out of the bath, hurriedly dried herself and dressed.  She smiled sheepishly at Cheryl as she opened the door.  “I thought you’d all finished with the bathroom…” she began.

  Cheryl just pushed haughtily past her and banged the door closed.

  The nurse walked passed.  “Come now, Karen, back to your bed,” she insisted.

  Karen climbed dejectedly into bed.

  Breakfast was a nightmare.  Just the smell of the bacon alone almost made her nauseous.  First there was a plate of mealie meal porridge.  Ugh!  This was followed by a piece of toast and scrambled egg and bacon.  How long was she going to be able to keep up with the marathon eating habits of this place, she wondered.

  After breakfast matron brought in the new patient.

  “This is Petra,” she called out, “Help her to settle in.”  Then turning to the girl, she said, “This is your bed, my dear, and your locker.  There’s a large cupboard next door, shared by all the girls, where you can hang your dresses, coats etcetera.”

  Petra was a very attractive young girl about Karen’s age, with short dark curly hair. Karen felt a bond of sympathy with her but as their eyes met Karen’s body stiffened with indignation as Petra stuck her tongue out at her.   Horrible child, Karen thought.

  The day passed quickly.  The other girls tried to be friendly towards Petra but she studiously ignored them and so they left her alone.

  Lee-Ann, Gertie and Cheryl went out shopping for the afternoon while Tarryn sunbathed at the pool.  Karen lazily paged through some magazines.  Whenever she glanced at Petra, she found those dark, smouldering eyes staring back at her.  Finally, Karen heard herself asking, “Would you like a magazine to read?”

  The girl tossed her head and said nastily, “No thanks.   I’m particular about reading material and don’t waste my time with common magazines.”

  Karen felt a blush rise to her cheeks and said stiffly, “That’s your loss!”

  Petra sat on her bed for hours, like an emaciated Buddha, staring listlessly in front of her.   Her brooding figure got on Karen’s nerves.   She looked the picture of  despair.

  Whooooooooooooooooooooooooshh!   The silence was shattered by the flapping of wings.  A small grey bird flew into the ward through an open window and landed on Petra’s locker.  “Oh!” she screamed, as it fluttered to her side.  “Get it away.”

   “It’s only a little sparrow,” Karen said, annoyed.  “We have hundreds of these on the farm.  It won’t hurt you.   It’s as frightened as you are.”

   She jumped out of bed, ran towards the bird and cupped her hands above it.   “Gently, gently,” she said soothingly, but as she was about to grab it, it flew upwards, circling the ward a couple of times before finding its way out through the open window.

  “Phew!” she exclaimed, “I’m glad it managed to get out without hurting itself.  Poor little thing.  Maybe it was escaping a predator.”  Then, realising that she was out of bed, she made a dash across the floor.  “I’d better get back before Sister Rose comes in,” she said, self-consciously.

  “Why?” asked Petra, surprised.  “Are you not allowed up?”

  “No!” replied Karen, and told Petra her sad tale of woe and how rude she had been to Aggie, who had tried to befriend her.

  Petra blushed and looked uncomfortable.  Then a faint smile appeared on her face. “I’m sorry I was rude to you, Karen.  It looks as if we all go through the same rebelliousness,” she said, contritely.

  Karen nodded understandingly.  Climbing back on the bed she suddenly felt lonely and very sorry for herself.  She was again haunted by the fear that she was going to put on too much weight.   She had eaten all her lunch and breakfast and soon it would be supper time.  How was she going to cope with so much food?   She hadn’t eaten three meals a day for weeks.  Trying to swallow a large lump that came into her throat she realised how badly she missed her home.  But Mom and Dad now hated her after last night.   Tears welled up in her eyes.

  “Anything wrong?” asked Petra, concern in her voice.

  “No!” Karen answered, swallowing hard and brushing away the tears that spilled down her cheeks.  “Just homesick.”

  Petra gulped, her eyes full of misery.  “Me too,” she whispered.

  Slowly and grudgingly Karen waded laboriously through her supper.  A student nurse sat beside her watching her every mouthful.  Karen felt like screaming but instead threw contemptuous glances her way.   It was with relief that she finally pushed the tray away.   Later,  Matron came into the ward to tell her she had to go to the therapist the following morning.

  Karen sighed.  “What’s in store for me now?” she muttered despairingly.

  Sleep was impossible that night.   Over and over again all she could think of was the telephone call from her parents.   At last, exhausted, she fell asleep in the early hours of the morning.