THROUGH  A  GLASS  DARKLY

by Phyllis Owen

CHAPTER ONE

  Karen was sixteen years old, of medium height with curly brown hair and dark eyes.  Although she had a trim figure she had become consumed with the fixation that she was fat and began forcing herself to stop eating.

  She lived on a farm and it was close enough to the town for her to take part in all her numerous extramural activities.  Her friends loved spending weekends with her on the farm and she had often felt she had the best of both worlds.  Life on the farm had always been exciting but she gradually became wrapped up in her school work.

  Because she stopped eating, her sunny disposition disappeared and she became morose and short-tempered.  Her friends became disenchanted with her and so it was that she reached the stage of being friendless and alone, spending most of her spare time in her room.

  Her parents, with infinite patience, tried several times to find out what her problem was, but without success.  Whenever they spoke to her they were met with a sullen silence more often than not.

  One evening, while she was sitting at the table picking at some grilled fish that had been cooked especially for her, her mom suddenly burst into tears and rushed from the room.

  “Why won’t you discuss your problem with us, Karen?” her Dad asked, with obvious concern.

  “There’s nothing wrong with me,” she cried, “I’m just not hungry!”

  Dad shook his head sadly.

  Sighing, she forced herself to eat the fish.  Later her mother came into her room smiling broadly.   “I’m glad you enjoyed your supper,” she said, relief in her eyes, “It makes me happy to know you’re improving.  For a while I thought you’d never eat anything.”

 Karen nodded but averted her eyes.

  After that she became more careful.  Making the excuse that she always had a considerable amount of studying and homework, she asked if she could have her meals in her room.

  Her mother, believing that she was getting better, willingly consented.  Karen grew skilled at secretly disposing of her food down the toilet.  Mom and Dad thought she was eating normally again and became more relaxed and much to Karen’s delight they left her alone.

  But there was to be no peace.

  One afternoon, a week later, as she lay pondering a mathematical problem, she fell asleep and was awakened suddenly by the harsh ring of the telephone.  A premonition of disaster came over her.  She listened to the soft tread of her mother’s footsteps as she made her way to the telephone.

  “Mrs. Watson!” exclaimed Mom.

  Karen’s heart stood still.  What could the headmistress want, she wondered uneasily.

   Rising to her feet and with trembling knees she stood at the door, listenting intently.

  “No…no…” stammered Mom, “But she’s been eating well.”

  “Stupid thing!” grumbled Karen, apprehensively, “How does Mrs. Watson know whether I’m eating or not?  I never see her and I haven’t spoken to anyone.”

  “What makes you think so?” asked Mom, with a note of alarm in her voice.  A pause, then she added, “No, I haven’t weighed her.  You think something’s very wrong?” She spoke with an unmistakable tremor.  “Yes, I’ll take her to our doctor. Thank you for your concern.  Goodbye.”

  Karen heard the telephone receiver being replaced on the cradle and quickly flopped down on the bed.  Her mother’s footsteps came down the passage, stopping at her door.

  “Karen!” she called.

  “Yes,” replied Karen tentatively.

  The door opened and Mom, her face pale, walked into the room.  “Mrs. Watson has been on the phone,” she said, hesitantly, looking searchingly at Karen, “She’s worried about you.”

 Karen stared defiantly at her.  “Why?  There’s nothing wrong with me,” she snapped, “I wish everyone would mind their own business and leave me alone.  Why this sudden interest in my welfare?”

  A puzzled look came over Mom’s face.  “Even though you seem to be eating well, I’ve had the suspicion over the past few days that you’re not putting on any weight and Mrs. Watson has confirmed this.”

  “But I don’t want to put on weight!  I’m fat enough as it is!” cried Karen, aghast.

  Mom gave her another searching look. “You’re skin and bone and it’s not natural,” she insisted. “Tomorrow I’m taking you to Doctor Bernstein.”

  “That’s foolish talk, Mom,” Karen replied brusquely, “I won’t go.  You can’t make me.   Why don’t you believe me when I say there’s nothing wrong with me?”

  “I’ve had more than enough of this whole business,” retorted Mom.  “You’re the only one who can’t see anything wrong with you. Everyone I know has noticed your drastic weight loss.  From now on you’ll do as you’re told for your own good.”  Her voice softened.  “What’s happened to you, Karen?  You were such a happy child but now you’ve become so touchy and unapproachable.”

  “I don’t want to discuss it any more,” Karen said bitterly, her eyes bright with anger.

  During the long painful silence that followed Karen felt a twinge of remorse when she saw the hurt in her mother’s eyes.

  “I’ll make an appointment with Doctor Bernstein for tomorrow,” Mom said firmly, and left the room.

  Karen’s head was a jumble of conflicting thoughts and emotions.  How was she going to get out of seeing the doctor, she wondered.  She stood up and walked to the mirror.

  “I feel fat and look fat!” she cried emphatically.  “They all want me to be grotesque!  I suppose Doctor Bernstein will give me a tonic to make me eat but I’ll soon get rid of that!”

  She was convinced that she was fat and no one, including Doctor Bernstein, would make her believe otherwise.  She was also convinced that she was completely correct in dieting and was proud of the fact that she was able to conquer the desire for food.  But, for some reason she could not explain, the thought of going to the doctor made her feel uneasy.  Her fixation that she was too fat had come upon her shortly after Sue, her older sister, had married Philip, her childhood sweetheart. It had been a lovely wedding and she had been one of the bridesmaids. Even though Philip had always been like a brother to her, after the wedding she developed a dislike for him because he had taken Sue away and she missed her very much, as they had been good friends and shared their innermost thoughts and dreams.  Now she had no one.

  The next afternoon Karen and Mom walked into the doctor’s surgery and sat down on the chairs in front of his large untidy desk.  Karen avoided his watchful eyes as he peered at her over his half-moon glasses.  He had always given her the impression that he could read her mind.  He was a tall man, slightly stooped, with penetrating blue eyes and bushy eyebrows.                                 

  He gave them a warm welcoming smile.  “Hello Karen, I haven’t seen you for some time,” he said running his fingers through his thick, slightly greying hair.  “What’s up?”               

  “Hello,” she said, staring at him guardedly.  She gave her mother a quick glance.

  “Karen has in the past eight weeks or so lost a considerable amount of weight,” began Mom.

  Doctor Bernstein gave Karen a searching look through narrowed eyes.

  “Mom!  That’s nonsense!” Karen said hotly.  “I’ve only lost a few kilos.”

  “Quite a few kilos,” persisted Mom.

  “Hop on to the scale, young lady,” the doctor said amiably getting up from the chair.

  Karen winced and frowned uneasily as she rose to her feet.  She stood on the scale and waited.

  “Phew!” Doctor Bernstein exclaimed, “That’s far too low for your height!”

  “What can we do?” asked Mom, anxiously.  “She won’t listen to us and we’re desperate.”  Her eyes filled with tears.

  “Mom!” interjected Karen, her voice a thick throaty whisper.  She sat down again and Doctor Bernstein returned to his chair.

  “Mmmmh,” he muttered.  “You say this has been going on for eight weeks?’

  Mom nodded.

  Karen sighed with exasperation.  They were discussing her life as if she were not there.  She bit her lip angrily.

  “But I feel fine and I have been eating,” she protested.

  “Even her nature has changed,”  Mom said, a sob in her voice.

   Karen was so angry she did not trust herself to speak.  How could Mom say such a thing.

  Doctor Bernstein frowned.  “This is not my field,” he said thoughtfully.

  Alarm flickered in Karen’s eyes as she heard him continue.  “It has gone on for far too long.  Something must be done and soon.  I’d like her to be admitted to Green Acres Hospital in Johannesburg.  I’ve a good friend there who is an expert on such matters.”

  “But Green Acres is a mental hospital!” gasped Mom.

  “It’s also well equipped to handle Karen’s type of problem,” explained Doctor Bernstein. “There she’ll get all the help she needs.”

  Shocked, Karen stared at him.  Then, jumping from her chair she cried, “I refuse to go!”  She glanced helplessly at them but neither spoke.  Lowering herself slowly back into the chair she watched Doctor Bernstein with large bewildered eyes.

  He picked up the telephone.  “Joan, get me Doctor Ross Manning on the phone.”  He replaced the receiver.

  Panic flared through Karen’s mind and she felt the blood drain from her face.  He had hardly examined her, she thought furiously, how could he make a diagnosis by just looking at her.  After all, Jill in her class at school was only a kilo heavier than she was and no one made a big deal about her weight!

  “Mom!” she whispered, “Do I have to go?”

  Her mother’s face wore an expression of complete incredulity. “I didn’t realise the position was so serious,” she said softly.  “but you need help, Karen, and we are doing this for your own good.”

  Karen knew she had lost.  No one would believe her.  A feeling of utter gloom settled over her and tears of indignation ran down her face.

  “You’ve no alternative, Karen,” said Doctor Bernstein, gravely.

  Karen gave a sob and turned away.

  “I’ll phone you as soon as I hear from Doctor Manning.”

  Mom nodded.  They left the surgery and drove to the farm in silence.  They had hardly returned when the telephone rang.  It was Doctor Bernstein.  He said a bed was available and that Karen should be admitted as soon as possible.

  After Mom had spoken to Dad, they decided to take her to the hospital the next morning.

  Karen went to her room and sat dejectedly on the bed.  She was filled with dread.  “Nothing makes sense,” she muttered, angrily.  “All this fuss because I refuse to be fat!”

  She waved her hand in a gesture of hopelessness and irritation.  Tears welled up in her eyes and she was totally overcome with self-pity.  She felt completely helpless.

  Later that afternoon she was rude to Sue and Philip when they called to wish her well.  Picking up the pretty pink slippers that Sue had given her, she threw them angrily across the room.

  “Why can’t they leave me alone?  I’m like a puppet on a string.  Everyone pulls the strings and I have to dance to their tune!  I don’t have any control in the running of my life!”

  When evening came, the birds, with a great twittering, went to roost in the treetops alongside the house.  Karen stood and stared at the bright colours of the sunset.  A jackal howled in the distance and the faint sound of talking and laughter could be heard from the direction of the labourers’ houses as they sat outside eating their evening meal.

  Still shocked, confused and angry, she changed into her pyjamas and lay on the bed.  After considering the events of the day for some time she slid into an uneasy sleep.